This topic legitimately scares me. How often have you heard the old saying “once you get married, no more sex?” Or perhaps you have a friend who is having problems in their own marriage dealing with this issue and doesn’t know how to fix it. Of all the things to have issue with you think that this would be the last. But alas it is not.
Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and the next thing you know you don’t remember the last time or place you had it. It’s not necessarily that you don’t want to either. Life sprung up in the form of long hours at work, family time, social gatherings, house projects and more. You don’t look like you did on your wedding day and now you feel self-conscious or insecure about your body or bedroom skills. Perhaps you never really enjoyed sex and you never expressed that. And the next thing you know IT has been placed on the backburner.
The real or better question to ask is why? Why is it so easy for people to put it on the back burner? If we look at today’s culture IT is still considered taboo in some circles even with the number of partners for men and women having increased significantly since the early 1900s. Yet and still to talk about it out in the open is forbidden. Is it because we aren’t sure whether our friends are a little kinkier than we would like to know? Or is it because we perhaps feel that our own sex life might be on a more PG page while you feel like others are Rated R?
Whatever the case, it is an area in which is extremely important in one’s marriage. Sex allows two people to come together on a more intimate level and truly connect. Often times when sex is removed from the picture couples feel disconnected because of the lack of intimacy in their marriage. The question still remains however, how do we do better? How do we make it a priority?
The first step is communication. Something so simple seems to be a major problem in marriage. Without proper communication, you are doomed to fail. So let your spouse know how you feel about your sex life. Be honest. We sometimes forget that our spouse is not a mind reader and that we need to express our feelings to them.
Step two is defining the problem/issue. Do you enjoy it? Are you uncomfortable? Are you needs not being met? Are there outside factors of which you have not disclosed? Are your parents or in-laws sleeping in the other room? Has your sex drive decreased since a major life event? Having children? Weight gain? Financial struggles? Stress? Really dig deep to find out why you are in this situation.
Step three is commitment. Without commitment, there can be no growth. You must make a commitment to yourself and your partner that you will make an effort to improve your sex life. You can start small with 1 day a week on an agreed upon day (say a Friday) and work your way up. The last thing you want to do is set yourself up for failure.
Step four is make an effort. If you want to make a change, you have to put for the effort to do so. That might mean planning a “date night” or getting a sexy little outfit. You might set the mood by lighting some candles, getting some “toys” or massage oil. Whatever it is you decide to do having a plan will help tremendously.
Step five is action. What is a commitment without action? Nothing at all. So make sure that you actually do have sex. Otherwise steps 1-4 are all for naught. A plan is nothing without action.
Just know that you are not alone and that this is a very common problem. But remember it can be mended and all is not lost. You might not be able to get back to those younger days where you were on your “rabbit status” but getting back to a place of pleasure with your mate I’m sure will be pleasurable. =)